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Thursday, November 5, 2015

PETA Fires Meat-Lovin’, Huntin’ Spokeman


BREAKING NEWS. ORIGINAL TO BLOG. MUST CREDIT. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have fired their long-term spokesman Krzysztof Charamsa based on his public endorsement of carnivorism. Mr. Charamsa stressed that his support for this noble cause was not merely rhetorical, but that he is actively involved in steak-eating, hunting, and animal experimentation. PETA’s brazen act of carnophobic intolerance and employment discrimination has drawn outrage across the world.

Mr. Charamsa, of Polish origin, has been a mid-level spokesman and chapter president for PETA his entire adult life, but now his conscience no longer allows him to remain silent about his inborn nature. He stated that, while indeed he had spent every lunch hour at the local steakhouse, the purpose of these visits had not been—as some had assumed—to protest the génocidaires and attempt to turn them from the wicked ways with graphic posters of slaughterhouse conditions. Instead he had regularly partaken in charred cow corpse himself.

Charamsa also disclosed that his favorite weekend leisure activity was hunting big game and small. He also boasted of his advanced taxidermy skills that he used to preserve his trophies and fashion a fur coat that on colder days he’d wear to work. Reports that Charamsa keeps a pet boa constrictor which he feeds from mice he breeds at home can currently not be confirmed.

Charamsa hopes that his actions will destroy the code of silence in PETA and convince more of PETA’s employees to come out for his cause. Meat eating is not a choice! It is a natural desire for many humans. It is time that PETA finally came to terms with this truth. It is unspeakably cruel that PETA forces meat eaters to hate themselves. For himself, he only wishes to be happy and the world to know how proud he is. He plans to compensate for his loss of income by increasing his side business of breeding rabbits for cosmetic research. While PETA has withdrawn its blessing, Charamsa says that he will always be a happy, proud, meat eatin’, huntin’ PETA spokesman.

Update/Correction: Mr. Charamsa is actually a gay Catholic priest living openly with his boyfriend in Barcelona. The other details remain, in equivalent form, correct.

On a slightly more serious note, it must be pointed out that these events do not even depend on Charamsa’s homosexuality. The Catholic Church demands celibacy from its straight and gay priests alike and a heterosexual priest who had openly moved in with his girlfriend and refused to desist from this carnal sin could expect the same treatment as Monsignor Charamsa. If the Church had not fired Charamsa it would stand as credibly accused of brazen hypocrisy as PETA would have been.

None of the above implies agreement with PETA the Church’s stand on meat eating sexuality, or even to condemn Charamsa’s choice.The author will confess that every year he gives a great deal more money to steakhouses than PETA. It is merely to note the ridiculousness of considering these events outrages or even news.